My child won't go to bed: what helps?

Three reasons come up again and again when a child puts off bedtime, and the first is the one people think of least: too much sleep has been planned. Then comes a nap that's too late or too long, and simply testing limits.

Sleep needs fall a lot over these years. The American Academy of Pediatrics gives, per day and including naps: 11 to 14 hours between one and two, 10 to 13 hours between three and five, 9 to 12 hours between six and twelve.² Keep the same bedtime for years and you end up planning an hour awake in bed, and a child always fills it.

The second underestimated factor is how your child falls asleep. A child who has learnt to fall asleep while someone sits beside them, sings or holds a bottle may eventually not know how to fall asleep any other way.

And finally: the evening is when tiredness is greatest, on both sides. Much of what looks like resistance is exhaustion. A child who goes to bed too late becomes more wound up.

1. Match bedtime to real tiredness. For a week, note when your child actually falls asleep. If there's regularly three quarters of an hour between going to bed and falling asleep, bedtime is too early, and it isn't your child's fault.

2. A short routine, always the same. The NHS recommends a regular bedtime routine.¹ The American Academy of Pediatrics sums it up in three words: “Brush, Book, Bed”.⁴ A large study of more than 10,000 young children found that the more regular the routine, the better the sleep.³ What matters is that the order is never up for negotiation. For choosing the story, see our page of bedtime stories.

3. Look at the nap. A nap that goes on until four in the afternoon shifts the evening. Earlier or shorter is often the whole solution.

4. Take screens out of the last hour, and out of the bedroom. It's common advice. The Sleep Foundation points out that children's eyes let in more light than adults' eyes, while noting that most studies on this don't prove a cause.⁵

5. See the requests coming. The water is already by the bed, the last question is planned for, and then it's over. Only reacting once your child calls out rewards the calling.

6. Walk them back calmly, with few words. When a child gets up: no lecture, no argument, no new negotiation. Back to bed, one sentence, out of the room. It's tiring, and it works faster than any discussion.

Putting them to bed later so they're more tired. Exhausted children fall asleep worse. The effect is reliably the opposite.

Making the routine longer. One more book, one more song, and tomorrow one more again. A routine works because it stays the same.

Making bed a punishment. “If you don't stop, you're going straight to bed” turns that place into a penalty. Yet it's where your child should go gladly.

Trying something new every evening. Most approaches need one to two weeks before you can tell if they work. Changing method every three days mostly tests everyone's patience.

At bedtime, two camps face each other, in a sharper tone than on most topics. What often gets lost in the debate: on the basics almost everyone agrees, and the disagreement is about one point.

A story at bedtime does two things at once: it's part of the routine, and it shows the routine. A child who has seen the order of the evening in a book finds it again in their own evening.

For the story, one rule: