Growing up · ages 1 to 7

My child has tantrums: what's behind them, and what helps?

7 min read10 sources · accessed on 26 September 2026

The short answer

Tantrums are part of development. The NSPCC describes them as a way children express themselves,¹ and the American Academy of Pediatrics as a normal step on the way to independence.³ The NHS puts it simply: a tantrum often happens when a child doesn't yet have the words for a big feeling.² International studies on aggression in young children put the peak between two and four, with a decline from the third birthday.⁴⁵ What helps is staying close, then putting words to what happened.

The approach

Giving the feeling a name, beforehand

In the middle of a meltdown, nobody learns anything: the brain is in emergency mode. Learning happens in the calm before and after. That's where a story comes in: it gives the feeling a name and a shape, at a moment when it isn't there.

Something with a name can be announced instead of exploding, and by the twentieth reading the name is within reach, even when things heat up.

1The feeling takes shapeThe hot wave, the whirlwind of anger: named, drawn, recognisable.
2The way out gets practisedStamping, squeezing, shouting into a cushion: in the story, the hero shows how.
3By the twentieth reading, it's thereChildren ask for the same book until the grown-ups know it by heart. Here, that's the point.

This story for my child

Read the whole story for free · no photo needed

The causes

Why children have tantrums

A tantrum can look like a power struggle. It comes when the will is already there, and the means to get one's way aren't yet. No words to say how annoyed they are, no patience to wait, no brake to hold back the urge. The NHS describes the tantrum as what happens when a child doesn't yet have words for big feelings.²

Behind it is the same logic as with hitting: physical aggression and outbursts rise during the second year and decline by themselves from the third birthday, as language and impulse control develop.⁴⁵ If it feels like it's happening all the time, you're very probably within the normal range for this age.

And there's almost always an amplifier that has nothing to do with the trigger: tiredness, hunger, too much going on, a day with no break. The biscuit that was refused sets it off, and the tiredness prepared it.

What helps

What helps during the meltdown

1. Safety first. Move anything your child could hurt themselves on, and if necessary take them out of the situation. Everything else can wait.

2. Don't talk. A child in the middle of a meltdown can't process sentences. One calm sentence every few minutes is enough: “I'm here.” Explanations, questions and offers make it last longer.

3. Stay, if your child accepts it. Some children need closeness, others distance, and it varies from child to child. Watching works better than following a method.

4. Don't give in, and don't pile on. If the no was justified, it stands. It just doesn't need explaining again right now.

5. Afterwards, name what happened. “You wanted the red cup, and the anger came.” The NHS recommends naming feelings in the same simple way, as in “I can see you're feeling happy”.² Coaching feelings like this goes with better self-control in children.⁶ It makes the feeling underneath nameable, without approving of the behaviour.

6. Defuse the triggers. Shopping before the tired hour and warning about changes prevents more meltdowns than any technique can rescue during one.

Best avoided

What's better left out

Shouting back. It's understandable, and it doesn't work: two people who have lost control don't calm each other down. Your own calm is half the way there.

Shaming. “Look, everyone's watching you” adds shame to the meltdown, and shame raises the tension it came from.

Negotiating mid-storm. A compromise in the middle of a meltdown teaches that the meltdown is the most effective tool.

Physical punishment. It's ruled out.

Making anger a character trait. “Our little volcano” is affectionate, and it's still a label a child grows into.

Debates

Where the experts disagree

On few topics do guides give such opposite instructions. Three approaches you'll meet in every parent forum, and the one point they really argue about:

Approach	What it says	What it means for the story
DevelopmentNSPCC; American Academy of Pediatrics; Tremblay et al. 2004; Alink et al. 2006	Tantrums are a normal way young children express themselves on the way to independence. Aggression peaks between two and four and declines as language and impulse control develop.	The story never treats the child as faulty: they're going through a phase.
Relationshipapproaches centred on the parent-child relationship	The meltdown is a way of communicating. Punishments and time out work in the short term and weigh on the relationship in the long term.	The grown-up stays, stays calm and doesn't punish.
BehaviourIncredible Years (Webster-Stratton), Triple P	Clear, predictable limits, consistently ignoring the meltdown, and targeted praise for the replacement behaviour. Of the three, the most studied approach.	In the story, the replacement behaviour that works is noticed and named.

What everyone agrees on

Tantrums in young children are normal and not a parenting mistake.
The adults' calm is the single most effective factor.
Nothing is learnt during the meltdown: learning happens before and after.
Naming feelings helps; accepting the feeling doesn't mean accepting the behaviour.
Physical punishment is ruled out.

The point of debate is time out. Behaviour-focused programmes use a short, announced moment of ignoring or pausing, and rely on randomised studies: meta-analyses of around fifty studies of Incredible Years report medium effects on children's behaviour problems.⁷ Relationship-focused approaches object that this works in the short term and costs trust in the long term.

We recommend nothing here. Our stories rest only on the common ground: it's wide enough for every family, whichever side they lean towards.

When a book isn't enough

Talk to someone if meltdowns are very frequent and go on for a long time without your child being able to calm down; if your child hurts themselves or others during them; if they don't get less frequent or less intense beyond the age when they're usual; or if they suddenly appear where there were none before.

And also when you feel you're about to lose control yourself. That's the most sensible reason to call. Your GP, public health nurse or health visitor, or paediatrician is the first contact.

In Ireland, Parentline offers a helpline for parents on 1890 927 277, Monday to Thursday from 10am to 9pm and Friday from 10am to 4pm,⁹ and the National Parents Council runs a helpline for parents of children up to six on 01 8874477, weekdays from 10am to 4pm.¹⁰ In the UK, the NSPCC has advice on coping with tantrums.

The story

How a story can help

Reading has a measurable effect on social and emotional topics: studies of picture books like these find more helping behaviour, through empathy.⁸ The reason is simple: in the story, the feeling isn't there right now. It can be looked at, named and practised before it rises next time.

A personalised book adds a risk that a shop-bought book doesn't have, which is why each of our stories starts with a rule:

The child is never the problem. In the story, the opponent is the feeling; otherwise the child would see their own name tied to shame.

1-2
The hero's world
The child as they are: loved, capable, with their favourite things.
3
A long day
Tired, hungry, too much. The amplifier arrives before the trigger.
4
The no
Something isn't possible. Small and ordinary, as in real life.
5
The wave
The feeling arrives, described in the body and named. It takes shape.
6
The meltdown
Told without judgement. Neither “naughty” nor “bad”: it's simply there.
7
Someone stays
The grown-up doesn't talk, doesn't explain, doesn't leave. They're there.
8
The wave passes
By itself, like every wave. The most reassuring page in the book.
9
Afterwards
Exhaustion, maybe shame. It's seen, without being made worse.
10
Words for what happened
The grown-up names the feeling, without describing the child.
11
The tool
Next time: stamp, squeeze, shout into a cushion. Just one suggestion.
12
The test
A second chance. Without repetition, nothing sticks.
13
Half a success
Imperfect, and someone notices and says so.
14
The end
Anger stays; it's part of life. Now it has a name and a way out.

The anger story, with your child's name

Describe your child in a few words, and the story follows exactly this path, in the illustration style you choose. You read all of it for free before you decide.

Read the story for free

Questions

Frequently asked questions

How many tantrums a week are normal?

Frequency alone says little. Tantrums are a normal part of development in toddlers and young children, and aggression peaks between two and four in international studies. How long they last, how intense they are and your child's age say more than the number.

When are tantrums no longer normal?

They become much rarer as children learn to negotiate and find words. Very frequent meltdowns that last a long time, involve injuries or don't ease off as your child gets older are worth talking to your GP or paediatrician about.

Should I leave my child alone during a tantrum?

It depends on the child. Some need closeness, others calm down faster when nobody's watching. Both are fine, as long as it's clear you can be reached. “I'm in the next room, I'll come if you need me” isn't leaving them alone.

My child only has tantrums with me, never at nursery. Why?

It's common, and rather a good sign: children show their strongest feelings where they feel safest. At nursery or school many hold it together all day, and at home the tension comes out. That doesn't make it pleasant.

Does a book really help, or is it just a nice idea?

A book doesn't replace everyday support. It works because it names the feeling at a calm moment and rehearses a way out, and because it gets read twenty times.

References

Sources

1.NSPCC: Coping with tantrums.What it confirms: Tantrums as a way children express themselves; handling them through a positive parenting approach.
2.NHS Start for Life: Help your toddler with their emotions.What it confirms: Naming feelings helps (“I can see you're feeling happy”); a tantrum as the expression of a big feeling without words.
3.American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org: Emotional Issues and Bathroom Problems.What it confirms: Tantrums are normal, age-appropriate steps on the way to independence.
4.Tremblay, R. E. et al. (2004): Physical Aggression During Early Childhood. Pediatrics 114(1), e43-e50.What it confirms: Aggression is the rule in toddlers, with a peak between two and four.
5.Alink, L. R. A. et al. (2006): The Early Childhood Aggression Curve. Child Development 77(4), 954-966.What it confirms: A rise during the second year and a decline from the third birthday (2,253 children).
6.Gottman, J. et al.: Emotion coaching and meta-emotion, research summary.What it confirms: Parents coaching their child's emotions goes with better self-control in the child.
7.Gardner, F. and Leijten, P. (2017): Incredible Years parenting interventions. Current Opinion in Psychology.What it confirms: Meta-analyses of around fifty studies: medium effects on children's behaviour problems, mostly in randomised designs.
8.The effectiveness of social-themed picture book reading in promoting children's prosocial behavior (2025).What it confirms: Reading social-themed picture books increases helping behaviour, through empathy.
9.ISPCC: Childline Ireland; Parentline.What it confirms: Parentline on 1890 927 277, Monday to Thursday 10am to 9pm, Friday 10am to 4pm.
10.National Parents Council: Helpline information.What it confirms: A helpline on 01 8874477, weekdays 10am to 4pm, for parents of children from birth to six.

Sources accessed on 26 September 2026. Is something missing or out of date? Write to us and we'll correct it, with the date.

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