Growing up · ages 1 to 3

Starting nursery: how long does settling in take, and what helps?

7 min read2 sources · accessed on 26 September 2026

The short answer

There's no established average length. Separation anxiety is normal between about six months and three years, and starting nursery is one of its most common triggers.¹ How settling in works is something to agree with the nursery, the crèche or the childminder, and in every case your child sets the pace. What really counts is the moment your child lets the new person comfort them. Until then, someone familiar stays close.

The approaches

Three ways of thinking about settling in

Early years professionals work with different ways of organising settling in. They all share the same basic idea: getting used to it gradually, with separations short at first and a parent there at the start.

Fixed, short steps. A few days with the parent present and no separation, then a first trial goodbye, and your child's reaction sets the pace for what follows. After that, the parent stays reachable without being there.

The group as the destination. A longer settling-in period that involves the children who are already there. The new child is welcomed by a group, as well as by a key person.

The child's pace, with no timetable. Staff watch what your child shows, and that decides the next step. This view stresses one point: it's the child who does the settling in.

The real difference comes down to one question: who sets the pace, the plan, the group or the child?

Background

Why it takes time

Separation anxiety is a normal stage of development between about six months and three years, and how strong it is varies a lot from child to child. It has nothing to do with parenting.¹

So crying at goodbye isn't a sign that something is wrong. It's an expression of attachment, not of a child who is “spoilt”.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, separation is harder when a child is hungry, tired or unwell.² Settling in is real work for a child too: a new place, new faces, a new rhythm. It's no surprise if they're tired in the evenings during those weeks.

In practice

What really helps day to day

Say goodbye before you go. Slipping away makes the goodbye shorter and everything else longer. A short, fixed goodbye ritual helps: a sentence, a hug, leave. Always the same.

Be boring. At first, you sit and read. You don't entertain, you don't play with the other children, you don't tidy up. You're the safe harbour your child sets out from, and a harbour doesn't move.

Follow your child, then the timetable. The day planned for the first separation is a suggestion. If your child can't be comforted, the next step is coming too soon, whatever the timetable says.

Pick a good moment. Since separation is harder when a child is hungry, tired or unwell,² a goodbye after a snack and a good night's sleep is easier than one on a bad morning.

Something familiar from home helps many children, and here we'd rather be honest: we found no expert source that proves it. It does no harm, costs nothing, and many parents mention it. That isn't proof.

Debates

Where the experts disagree

Several ways of settling children in exist side by side, and each claims to respect the child. Four points of view parents come across in practice:

Approach	What it says	What it means for the story
Normal developmentNCT (UK); American Academy of Pediatrics	Separation anxiety is a normal stage; starting nursery is a common trigger, and hunger, tiredness or illness make it harder.	The story moves in small steps, always in the same order.
Fixed stepssettling-in models with fixed steps	A few days with a parent present, then a first trial goodbye; the child's reaction decides what comes next.	The story tells of a routine that starts the same way every day.
The groupmodels that involve the group of children	A longer settling-in period with the children already there. The child joins a group.	In the story, the other children have their place, alongside the grown-ups.
The child's paceparticipative approaches, without a timetable	No timetable. What the child shows decides the next step, and it's the child who does the settling in.	In the story, the child is never brave because they don't cry.

What everyone agrees on

Settling in happens gradually, over several days at least.
A familiar person stays until the child lets someone else comfort them.
Goodbyes are announced and always the same. Nobody slips away.
Crying at goodbye is normal and doesn't mean something is wrong.
The child's reaction sets the pace, far more than the timetable.

The point of debate is who sets the pace. Some approaches give days, others weeks, others no timetable at all. Behind it lies a bigger question: how far can a plan written in advance take account of one particular child?

We don't recommend any approach here. Our stories rest on the common ground, and on this subject it's wide: someone stays, the goodbye is announced, and whoever leaves comes back.

When to talk to someone

Talk to the nursery manager, the crèche or the childminder if, after several weeks, you see no progress; if your child can't be comforted by anyone there for weeks; if sleep or appetite at home clearly suffer for a long time; or if you're being held to a timetable although your child is obviously not ready.

And also when you can't go on. Settling in is tiring for parents too, and there's no shame in saying so. Your public health nurse, health visitor or paediatrician is a good first contact.

The story

How a story can help

For a two-year-old, the hardest thing about settling in is the doubt: will someone come back? A story can clear up that doubt, even before it comes up for the first time.

In a personalised book, one rule opens every one of our stories:

The child is never brave because they don't cry. They're allowed to cry; what the story shows is the coming back.

1-2
The hero's world
The child at home, with their things and their people.
3
A new house
There's a house with lots of children. No judgement, simply a fact.
4
The first visit
Everyone goes together. Nobody leaves, nobody stays alone.
5
A place of their own
Their peg, their picture. Something already belongs to the child.
6
A person with a name
A grown-up at nursery gets a name and a face. The stranger becomes familiar.
7
The first goodbye
Announced, short, with the usual sentence. Nobody slips away.
8
The waiting
It's sad. The story says so without hurrying past.
9
Someone stays
The new person comforts. They come in addition, without replacing anyone.
10
The door opens
The grown-up comes back, exactly as they said.
11
And again
A second time, a third time. Repetition is what makes it a rule.
12
Something becomes familiar
A song, a place at the table, a game that always starts the same way.
13
A long day
This time it's longer, and it's fine anyway.
14
Two places
The child now has two places they know well. The first stays the first.

The settling-in story, with your child's name

Describe your child in a few words, and the story follows exactly this path, in the illustration style you choose. You read all of it for free before you decide.

Read the story for free

Questions

Frequently asked questions

How long does settling in at nursery take?

There's no established average. Separation anxiety is normal between about six months and three years, and starting nursery is a common trigger. How settling in works is agreed with the nursery, crèche or childminder. What counts is that your child lets the new person comfort them.

When is the first goodbye?

It's decided with the nursery or childminder, after some time spent there together. The first separations are short, and how your child reacts to the first one sets the pace for what follows.

My child cries when I leave. Am I doing something wrong?

No. Separation anxiety is part of normal development, and crying at goodbye shows attachment. It has nothing to do with a “spoilt” child. What counts is something else: that your child then lets someone comfort them.

Can I slip away without saying goodbye?

Better not. The goodbye is shorter, but mistrust grows: a child who doesn't know when someone will disappear has to stay on guard. A short goodbye ritual that's always the same helps more.

References

Sources

1.NCT: Separation anxiety and how to cope.What it confirms: Separation anxiety is normal between six months and three years; starting nursery is a common trigger.
2.American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org: Soothing Your Child's Separation Anxiety.What it confirms: Separation is harder when a child is hungry, tired or ill.

Sources accessed on 26 September 2026. Is something missing or out of date? Write to us and we'll correct it, with the date.

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