Growing up · ages 2 to 6

Naming feelings: what helps your child, and what's proven

10 min read13 sources · accessed on 26 September 2026

The short answer

A child overwhelmed by a feeling can't calm down alone, because the part of the brain that makes that possible keeps maturing into adulthood.⁴ Until then, an adult helps them calm down and puts words to what they feel. The NHS recommends exactly that: naming feelings helps (“I can see you're feeling happy”), and a tantrum is often a big feeling without words.¹ The CDC puts it the same way: naming emotions gives children the words to share what's going on inside.² In the moment, the order matters: calm first, name second. That naming a feeling calms it by itself is the most quoted sentence on the subject. It's probably true, and less well established than it looks: more on that below.⁶

Background

Which feeling arrives, and when

The first feelings are there very early: interest and disgust, then, during the first year, joy, anger, sadness and fear.

Later comes a second group, which a child can only feel once they see themselves as a separate person: embarrassment and jealousy at around 18 to 24 months, shame, guilt and pride at around three. Michael Lewis distinguishes shame from guilt like this: in guilt, a child judges their behaviour; in shame, they judge their whole self.³ That explains why shame weighs so much more. Zero to Three describes the same step: between 24 and 36 months, more complex feelings such as embarrassment and shame appear, and two-year-olds already show empathy by comforting a crying friend.⁷

What's still missing at this age is the ability to steer all of this. The prefrontal cortex, which does that, only fully matures in the mid-twenties, according to studies that followed brains by MRI.⁴ A two-year-old already has the feelings, and not yet the brake. Until then, an adult brakes with them: it's the only brake available, and it has nothing to do with spoiling a child.

What helps

Six things that help day to day

1. Calm first, name second. At the height of a meltdown, a child barely listens. Touch and a calm voice come before talking. An adult who helps a child calm down teaches them, little by little, to do it alone.

2. Describe the body before interpreting. “Your tummy is all hot” works better with a three-year-old than “you're angry”, because they feel the first and still have to learn the second.

3. Name the uncomfortable feelings too. Jealousy, gloating, shame. If you only name happiness and sadness, you give your child words for half of what they feel.³

4. Separate the feeling from the behaviour. “You're allowed to be angry” and “you're not allowed to hit” are two separate sentences.

5. Shades rather than a list. A few fine differences, cross, annoyed, disappointed, hurt, are better than as many words as possible.

6. Practise when things are calm. Bringing in words for feelings at a quiet moment is easier than learning them in the middle of a storm.⁵

Best avoided

What's well meant and still doesn't help

Explaining in the middle of a meltdown. At that moment, a child can't hear yet.

Playing the feeling down. “It's not that bad” leaves the feeling in place and takes away the child's permission to show it.

Only naming pleasant feelings. A child needs words for jealousy and shame just as much, and they reliably arrive at around three.³

Expecting self-control a child doesn't physically have yet. The most common mistake, and the most understandable.⁴

Imposing your interpretation. “You're sad”, when they're angry. Experts don't agree on this point, as you'll see below.

Debates

Where the experts disagree

On this subject it pays to look closely, because the best-known advice is less well established than its reputation.

Approach	What it says	What it means for the story
Naming calmsMatthew Lieberman and colleagues, since 2007	Putting a feeling into words measurably reduces activity in the amygdala. The finding comes from brain imaging and underpins the popular advice “name it to tame it”.	The story gives every feeling a word, the unpleasant ones too.
Naming can also get in the wayNook and colleagues, 2021	In their study, naming a feeling made it harder to reappraise the situation afterwards. Naming and reinterpreting aren't simply two steps on the same staircase.	We claim no effect beyond what's established.
Parents name itJohn Gottman; Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson	Adults say the child's feeling out loud, so the child has words and feels understood. Gottman's work shows a link with better emotional self-control.	In the story, a grown-up says the feeling out loud.
Describe, don't interpretMagda Gerber and Janet Lansbury; Patty Wipfler	Adults describe what they see and leave the interpretation to the child. Wipfler explicitly criticises naming, because it imposes an interpretation that isn't the child's.	The grown-up asks instead of stating, and sometimes gets it wrong.

What everyone agrees on

Feelings aren't up for debate; behaviour is.
Calm first, talk second.
Self-control is a matter of maturing.
Children need words for unpleasant feelings too.
The adult's calm is the single most effective factor.

The first point of debate is how solid the evidence is. The key studies are lab experiments with adults, for example people with a spider phobia in a scanner.⁶ Applying them to an angry child in the supermarket is reasoning by analogy. Then there's Nook's work, according to which naming can even hinder the reinterpretation that follows.⁸ We still think naming is right, without treating it as proven.

The second point of debate is who does the naming. Gottman, and Siegel and Bryson, say: the adults.⁹ The school of Magda Gerber and Janet Lansbury says: describe what you see and leave the interpretation to the child. Patty Wipfler explicitly criticises naming.¹⁰ In practice, you can settle it by asking instead of stating.

And a fundamental question: Lisa Feldman Barrett disputes that there are fixed basic emotions as Paul Ekman described them. For her, words for feelings help shape the states they name.

Where we looked for a controversy and found none: feelings cards, posters and anger thermometers. There's a practical consensus but no identified opposing view. And a meta-analysis of 3,484 children and emotion programmes in nursery and preschool gives contradictory results: programmes without a fixed sequence worked better than the others.¹¹ The disagreement here is in the data itself.

When a book isn't enough

A study of 1,490 children looked for the line between normal and worrying tantrums. Tantrums about once a month are the norm, affecting 83.7% of children. It becomes a concern with daily tantrums, tantrums lasting more than five minutes, or aggression with no visible trigger.¹² Your GP or paediatrician is then the first person to talk to.

And there's the reason that isn't on any list: when you feel you're about to lose control yourself. That's the most sensible reason to talk to someone.

The story

How a story can help

That reading improves children's understanding of feelings is plausible, and little established. The existing studies are small; one from 2024 involved five children.¹³

What holds regardless is the timing: in a story, the feeling isn't there right now. You can look at it without being in it.

For the story, one rule:

No feeling is forbidden in the story, not even jealousy or gloating. Only what you do with it can be forbidden, and that's a second sentence.

1-2
The child
As they are, with their favourite things. Before anything else.
3
Something happens
Small and everyday. A tower falls, someone takes a toy.
4
In the body first
Hot in the tummy, tight in the throat. No name, just felt.
5
Too big
The feeling is bigger than the child. Nobody judges.
6
Someone stays
Closeness first, no explanation. The order is written down here.
7
It gets smaller
By itself, with time. The most important page.
8
A word for it
Only now. The grown-up asks instead of stating.
9
There are several
Cross, disappointed, hurt. Shades rather than a list.
10
The uncomfortable feeling
Jealousy or gloating. It gets the same calm tone.
11
Two sentences
You're allowed to feel this. And you're still not allowed to hit.
12
Once more
A second chance. Without repetition, nothing sticks.
13
Said by themselves
The child finds the word in the middle of the feeling, without waiting for it to pass.
14
The end
All the feelings stay. Now they have a name.

The feelings story, with your child's name

Describe your child in a few words, and the story follows exactly this path, in the illustration style you choose. You read all of it for free before you decide.

Read the story for free

Questions

Frequently asked questions

When does my child understand feelings like shame or pride?

At around three. Before that, the basic feelings are already there, from the first year: interest, disgust, joy, anger, sadness, fear. Embarrassment and jealousy arrive at around 18 to 24 months.

Why can't my child calm down on their own?

Because the prefrontal cortex, which makes it possible, only fully matures in the mid-twenties. A two-year-old already has the feelings, and not yet the brake. Until then, an adult helps them calm down.

Does naming feelings really help?

Probably, but it's less well established than its reputation. The key studies are lab experiments with adults, and a 2021 study even found that naming can hinder the reinterpretation that follows. We think it's right, without claiming a proven effect. The NHS and the CDC both recommend naming feelings.

Should I say the feeling out loud, or let my child find it?

Experts disagree. Gottman, and Siegel and Bryson, say: say it. The school of Magda Gerber and Janet Lansbury says: describe what you see and leave the interpretation to the child. In practice, you can settle it by asking instead of stating.

Do feelings cards and anger thermometers help?

We looked and found no opposing expert view, only a practical consensus. We didn't find solid data on how well they work either.

When are tantrums a concern?

A study of 1,490 children puts the line at daily tantrums, tantrums lasting more than five minutes, or aggression with no visible trigger. Tantrums about once a month are the norm and affect 83.7% of children.

References

Sources

1.NHS Start for Life: Help your toddler with their emotions.What it confirms: Naming feelings helps directly (“I can see you're feeling happy”); a tantrum as a big feeling without words.
2.CDC: Emotion coaching, noticing and naming.What it confirms: Naming emotions gives children the words to share what's going on inside them.
3.Michael Lewis: work on self-conscious emotions.What it confirms: Embarrassment and jealousy at around 18 to 24 months, shame, guilt and pride at around three; guilt judges the behaviour, shame the person.
4.Giedd, J. et al. (1999): Brain development during childhood and adolescence. Nature Neuroscience; put in context by the American Psychological Association in 2022.What it confirms: Longitudinal MRI studies show that the prefrontal cortex only fully matures in the mid-twenties.
5.Bruce, M., Ermanni, B. and Bell, M. A. (2024): Early Childhood Research Quarterly.What it confirms: In 256 children: a richer vocabulary for feelings at three softens behaviour problems at six, only in children who react very strongly.
6.Lieberman, M. et al. (2007 and later work): Putting Feelings Into Words.What it confirms: Naming a feeling reduces amygdala activity; these are lab studies with adults.
7.Zero to Three: 24 to 36 months, social and emotional development.What it confirms: Between 24 and 36 months, more complex feelings such as embarrassment and shame; two-year-olds show empathy and comfort crying peers.
8.Nook, E. et al. (2021): Affective Science.What it confirms: Naming a feeling can hinder the reappraisal of the situation that follows.
9.Gottman, J. (1996-1997): meta-emotion and emotion coaching.What it confirms: A link between adults naming feelings and better self-control; the findings are mostly correlational.
10.Janet Lansbury, after Magda Gerber (RIE); Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting.What it confirms: The opposite view: describe without interpreting, leave the interpretation to the child; Wipfler explicitly criticises naming.
11.Dong, Y. et al. (2023): meta-analysis of emotion regulation programmes before primary school.What it confirms: 3,484 children; contradictory results, with programmes without a fixed sequence working better than others.
12.Wakschlag, L. et al. (2012): Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.What it confirms: In 1,490 children: tantrums about monthly in 83.7%; a concern: daily tantrums, more than five minutes, aggression with no trigger.
13.Dennis, L. et al. (2024): pilot study on picture books and understanding emotions.What it confirms: Signs of a link between reading and understanding emotions, with a very small sample of five children.

Sources accessed on 26 September 2026. Is something missing or out of date? Write to us and we'll correct it, with the date.

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