My child hits: what's behind it, and what helps?

The most common worry, the one parents whisper to each other, fits in one sentence: something is wrong with my child. Developmental research has said the opposite for about twenty years. A large Canadian longitudinal study showed that the great majority of children are already physically aggressive at 17 months, towards siblings, other children and adults. At that age, hitting is the rule.¹

A Dutch study of more than 2,200 children traced the curve more precisely: aggressive behaviour rises clearly during the second year and declines by itself from the third birthday.² Children learn to talk, and a child who can shout “that's mine!” no longer needs to grab.

In between is the moment you may be in right now: the feeling is whole, anger, jealousy, fright, overload, and language isn't quick enough yet. The hand is simply ready before the mouth.

Triggers are often there before the argument: tiredness, hunger, too many people, too long a day, a change without warning. Knowing the triggers prevents more situations than any rule.

1. The hand first, then the words. Step in, gently hold the hand, get down to their level. A child in the middle of it can't hear sentences, but feels that someone is taking charge.

2. The limit is about the action. “I won't let you hit” instead of “you're naughty”. The difference looks tiny, and it's everything: the first sentence stops a behaviour, the second describes a character. The HSE advises making clear that it hurts rather than punishing.³

3. Name the feeling. “You're angry because he knocked your tower over.” Coaching feelings like this, known in research as emotion coaching, goes with better self-control.⁴ You acknowledge the feeling underneath, and hitting stays off limits.

4. Offer something else to do. This is the most important step, and the one most often missing. A child stops an action more easily when they can replace it with another: stamping hard, squeezing a cushion, shouting “stop!”, clenching fists and opening them again. One suggestion, not five.

5. Making up by doing. A forced “sorry” mostly teaches that a word wipes out the consequences. Fetching something cold for the bump, rebuilding the tower together, drawing a picture: even a two-year-old understands that.

6. Notice when it works. And concretely: “You were angry and you stamped instead of hitting. That was hard.” Noticing the alternative behaviour is the lever the best-evaluated parenting programmes rely on.⁶

Hitting back, “so they know what it feels like”. It teaches exactly what you want to stop.

Shaming in front of others. “Look what you've done” in front of half the group creates shame, and shame raises the tension the hit came from.

Long explanations mid-meltdown. An upset toddler can't follow reasoning. Calm down first, talk later: the next morning if need be.

Labels. “The hitter”, “our little terror”, even said fondly. Children grow into the roles that are spoken for them.

Read parenting guides and you'll find three camps that clearly contradict each other on one point. Here's who says what, and what we take from it.

Reading has a measurable effect on social topics: studies of social-themed picture books find more helping behaviour, through empathy.⁷ A lab study with three-year-olds found, after two readings, more frequent use of distraction as a way to calm down: a small effect, which only became statistically solid when two experiments were combined.⁸ The reason is simple: in the story, the feeling isn't there right now. It can be looked at calmly, named and practised, long before the next time it's serious.

A personalised book strengthens that effect, because the child recognises themselves. That's also what creates a risk a shop-bought book doesn't have, which is why each of our stories starts with a rule: