Growing up · ages 3 to 10

Children and friendship: when does it start, and what if my child has no friends?

8 min read5 sources · accessed on 26 September 2026

The short answer

Friendships begin to form from about two, and from about three children start to really understand that others think and feel differently, according to the NHS.¹ That's when a playmate becomes a friend. What a child means by “friend” keeps changing after that: for the youngest, a friend is whoever is there and plays; give-and-take and trust come later. You can't order a friendship. What parents can bring is opportunities and time.

The approach

A story in which falling out is part of friendship

Most books about friendship show the result: two children who like each other. What's often missing is the way there, and above all the moment it all goes wrong. That friends can fall out and stay friends isn't obvious to a child. It's exactly what they have to learn.

A story can tell that whole path at a moment when nothing has happened. By the twentieth reading, your child knows what comes next and knows the story goes on after the argument.

1The beginning is shownHow you approach someone, concretely, in a way your child can copy.
2The falling-out is part of itNo break, no story. Making up matters because something broke first.
3One friend is enoughThe story tells of a single friendship, and that's enough.

This story for my child

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Development

When children start making friends

Babies are already interested in other children, and as they grow, playing with others their age takes up more and more room. That's where children learn how to get along.

From about two, friendships begin to form, and from about three, children start to truly understand other people.¹ According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children between 30 and 36 months enjoy playing with friends.³ The “me first” of the early years gradually makes room for interest in others.

Before that, children mostly have playmates. A two-year-old who plays next to another child rather than with them is developing perfectly normally.

The heart of it

Why “friend” means something different at four and at ten

The word stays the same; its meaning changes. Over the years, the way a child understands friendship shifts several times. Roughly, and with ages that overlap a lot:

The friendship of the moment. A friend is whoever is sitting next to you and playing. Being close decides. Yesterday someone else, tomorrow someone else again.

The one-way friendship. A friend is someone who does what I want. Give-and-take doesn't come into it yet.

The fair-weather friendship. Now it matters that both get something out of it. An argument can still end the friendship, because it depends on everything going well.

The friendship of trust. Only here do secrets come in, and with them the hurt when a secret is passed on.

What follows in practice: when a five-year-old says someone isn't their friend any more, they're often describing their afternoon. When a nine-year-old says the same thing, it can be very serious.

The hard case

What to do when a child doesn't find their place

It's the situation that worries parents most. You can prepare the ground; the friendship itself stays the children's business.

Opportunities. Friendships grow from repetition. The ISPCC suggests arranging play dates, encouraging activities your child enjoys, and talking to the teacher.² A regular afternoon with one child does more than a big birthday party.

The start is the hardest part. Many children don't know how to join in. It can be learnt, and practised by putting it into words: go closer, watch for a moment, then join in what's already happening. The ISPCC also suggests practising situations together and being a role model yourself.² Asking “can I play?” is often the least reliable route, because the question invites a no.

One friend is enough. Popularity and friendship are two different things. A child with one solid friendship isn't worse off than a child who knows everyone.

What we don't claim: that a book gets a child friends. It can show how things go and open a conversation. The sources we found don't allow us to say more.

Day to day

Falling out with friends, and when to step in

Arguments are part of friendship, and that's where children practise. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to be around when young children share and sort out conflicts, without hitting or putting anyone down.³ A parent who settles every conflict for their child takes that practice away.

The line is imbalance. An argument has two sides who each want something. When it's always the same child who gives in, is left out or laughed at, it's no longer an argument, and it's right to step in.

In practice: listen first, without judging straight away. Talking openly is one of the ISPCC's six suggestions.² Children tell conflicts from their own point of view, and the answer “well, play with someone else then” ends the conversation before it has started.

Debates

Where the experts disagree

On the developmental steps, there's broad agreement. There's more debate about how much room parents should take. Three views:

Approach	What it says	What it means for the story
DevelopmentNHS; American Academy of Pediatrics	Friendships begin from about two, understanding others from about three; between 30 and 36 months children enjoy playing with friends. Parents are around for sharing and conflict.	What parents bring is opportunities: seeing the same children regularly, rather than lots of different ones.
Understanding friendshipdevelopmental psychology research on how children understand friendship	The understanding of friendship goes through several stages and depends on being able to see another's point of view. What a child calls a friend depends on their age.	The story has to match the age: for the youngest, doing something together; for older children, trust broken and repaired.
Relationshiprelationship-centred approach	Friendship is a chosen relationship between equals. That's what sets it apart from the bond between parents and children.	Because it's chosen, it can't be ordered or fixed from outside. Parents set the frame; the relationship belongs to the children.

What everyone agrees on

Before about three there are playmates, and friendships in the narrow sense come later.
What a child means by friendship changes a great deal with age.
You can't order a friendship. Parents offer opportunities and time.
Falling out is part of friendship, and that's where children practise.
One solid friend is enough. Popularity is another matter.

Opinions differ most when a child is left out again and again. For some, coping with it is part of learning, and parents risk making things worse by getting involved. For others, repeated exclusion takes hold by itself and so needs adults to step in. As soon as it repeats and always hits the same child, the second view seems more right to us. That's a weighing of the arguments; no study establishes it.

When a book isn't enough

If for weeks your child can't find a place in the group, doesn't want to go to nursery or school any more, has aches that appear on school days and vanish at weekends, or if it's always the same child being left out, laughed at or pushed around, talk to someone, first the nursery staff or the teacher.

Exclusion that repeats and always goes one way rarely passes by itself. It's nothing like an ordinary falling-out, and it needs attentive adults.

Children can also talk to someone themselves: in Ireland, Childline on 1800 66 66 66, free and at any time;⁴ in the UK, Childline on 0800 1111.

The story

How a story can help

We found no evidence that reading aloud makes friendships easier. We did find a result about the form of the book: in a study on sharing, preschool children gave more after a story with human characters than after the same story with humanised animals.⁵

For a book about friendship, that argues for a hero who looks like the child being read to, more than for a talking mouse.

For the story, one rule:

The friendship breaks in the middle. Without that break, the making-up at the end is worth nothing, and it's what your child needs.

1-2
The child alone
A little apart, busy with something they love. No pity in the tone.
3
Someone is there
Another child finds the same thing interesting. Nothing more for now.
4
The first sentence
How to start, concretely. By joining in what's already happening.
5
Doing something together
Nobody talks about friendship. They build, search, hide.
6
All is well
A few easy days. Short, so the break has an effect.
7
The break
Something goes wrong. No nastiness: a misunderstanding or a broken promise.
8
Each on their own
Both are alone, and both are unhappy.
9
Nobody is right
The story doesn't hand out blame. The hardest page.
10
The first step
One goes to the other. No big apology speech, something concrete instead.
11
Together again
Differently from before. That's the whole difference.
12
Someone else
A third child joins them. The friendship isn't any less for it.
13
Everyday life
Nothing special any more. That's exactly the point.
14
The end
The two do something only they understand. No moral.

A story about a friendship that lasts

With your child's name, in the illustration style you choose. You read the whole story for free.

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Questions

Frequently asked questions

At what age do children have real friends?

Friendships begin to form from about two, and from about three children start to truly understand that others think and feel differently, according to the NHS. That's when a playmate becomes a friend. Before that, children play next to each other more than with each other, and that's normal.

My child says they have no friends. What should I do?

Listen first, without judging straight away, and take their age into account: at five, the sentence often describes the afternoon; at nine, it can be very serious. Opportunities help: the same afternoon with the same child, regularly. The ISPCC suggests play dates, activities your child enjoys, practising situations together and talking to the teacher. And one solid friendship is plenty.

Should I step in when children argue?

For an ordinary argument, rather not: negotiating is how children practise. The line is imbalance. When it's always the same child who gives in, is left out or laughed at, it's no longer an argument. Exclusion that repeats and always goes one way rarely passes by itself, and it's worth talking to the nursery or school.

Which friendship book for which age?

For the youngest, a book in which two children do something together, because at that age friendship is mostly doing things together. A little later, a book in which the friendship survives a falling-out. Later still come trust and secrets, and with them the hurt when one is betrayed.

References

Sources

1.NHS Best Start in Life: Early learning and development.What it confirms: Friendships begin to form from about two; a real understanding of others from about three.
2.ISPCC: 6 simple ways to help a child that struggles to make friends.What it confirms: Six strategies: arrange play dates, be a role model, talk openly, practise situations, encourage activities, talk to teachers.
3.American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org: What Parents Can Do to Support Friendships.What it confirms: Between 30 and 36 months children enjoy playing with friends; parents should be around for sharing and resolving conflict, without hitting or belittling.
4.ISPCC: Childline Ireland.What it confirms: Childline Ireland on 1800 66 66 66, free and 24 hours.
5.Larsen, N. E., Lee, K. and Ganea, P. A. (2018): Do storybooks with anthropomorphized animal characters promote prosocial behaviors in young children? Developmental Science 21(3).What it confirms: Preschool children gave clearly more after a sharing story with human characters than after the same story with humanised animals.

Sources accessed on 26 September 2026. Is something missing or out of date? Write to us and we'll correct it, with the date.

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