Growing up · ages 3 to 12

A grandparent has died: what helps your child now

10 min read10 sources · accessed on 26 September 2026

The short answer

For many children, a grandparent's death is their first experience of death.³ Say the word dead. Euphemisms confuse children more than they comfort, and the comparison with sleep is best avoided in particular.⁴ What your child understands depends on their age: before about five, death usually seems temporary; between five and seven they understand that it's final, and only at around ten that it happens to everyone and has a cause.² Don't force anything: the funeral, saying goodbye by the coffin, a gesture, all of it is an offer with a real choice.⁷

Background

What a child understands about death, and when

The basis comes from Nagy in 1948 and Speece and Brent in 1984. The latter distinguish four ideas: universality, everyone dies; irreversibility, death can't be undone; non-functionality, all the body's functions stop; and causality, understanding the causes. The first three are mostly grasped between five and seven, the full understanding usually at around ten.¹²

For many children, a grandparent's death is their first experience of death, as Cruse Bereavement Support points out.³ So they meet it with the means of their age, and those means change fast between nursery and the end of primary school.

In practice

Four and eight: two different conversations

A four-year-old may use the word “dead” without the idea of a final end behind it. Explain concretely and in a way you can repeat: Granny's body doesn't work any more, she doesn't breathe, she won't wake up.² Questions about their own death are normal at this age and don't necessarily mean fear.

An eight-year-old has usually understood that death is final and that all the body's functions stop. The cause now comes first: of what exactly, could it have been prevented? Then comes the thought that their own parents will die one day too.²

With dementia or a long final illness, it's better for grandchildren to learn early that it's an illness of the brain, and nobody's fault. Answer questions about death truthfully and simply. For this situation we found only practical advice, no controlled study.

What helps

Seven things that help day to day

1. Direct words, no image of sleep. “Granny was very ill, and she died”, rather than “she fell asleep”.⁴

2. Explain in three points: the place, what your child will see, what they can do if they feel overwhelmed.⁴

3. Have one fixed person at the rituals who can go out with your child at any time.⁷

4. Involve them, if they want: choosing flowers, making a drawing for the coffin, giving something. As long as your child is prepared.

5. Never force touching or kissing. Children say afterwards that forced gestures like these were hard.⁷

6. Prepare hospital visits rather than avoiding them, when the end of life goes on a long time.

7. See changes in behaviour as a form of grief. Children grieve in waves and switch suddenly from tears to play.

Best avoided

What's well meant and still hurts

Holding back information to protect them. The child psychoanalyst Erna Furman stressed in her classic work that children must be told the realities of death, because silence gets in the way of grieving.⁸

Comparing death to a deep sleep. A child may conclude that you wake up, or become afraid of falling asleep.⁴

Keeping your child away from every ritual, out of consideration. It takes away their own grieving.

Forcing gestures, like touching the coffin.⁷

Hiding your own grief completely. Often it's the adults who find the subject hard, and that's what leads to keeping a child out.

Debates

Where the experts disagree

First, a common rule that isn't one. You sometimes read that psychologists advise against funerals before four or five. We found no source for this rule: no name, no institution, no study.

The real state of research is different, and not uniform. Two studies with different results:

Approach	What it says	What it means for the story
Going helps, looking backPhyllis Silverman and J. William Worden, Harvard Child Bereavement Study, 1992	125 children aged six to seventeen after a parent's death. 95% attended the funeral and said two years later that it had mattered to them: it had helped them acknowledge the death.	The story shows the funeral as a moment you're allowed to take part in.
It depends on the childMary Fristad, Julie Cerel et al., 2001	318 children aged five to seventeen, interviewed after 1, 6, 13 and 25 months. Children who behaved unusually during the ritual had more difficulties over the following two years. So attending doesn't help in every case.	The story never makes taking part a condition, and it shows a way out.

What everyone agrees on

No obligation: an informed choice by the child.
Preparation decides: the place, what happens, the way out.
Direct words rather than euphemisms, at every age.
One fixed person who can go out with the child at any time.
Seeing the person who died stays an offer, and it's prepared too.

The debate is about what should guide the decision. Silverman and Worden rely on what children say looking back, and find it mostly positive.⁵ Fristad and Cerel measure behaviour over time and find that the effect depends on the child and the preparation.⁶ Both call for an informed choice rather than a rule. The Child Mind Institute sums it up: there's no right or wrong answer that fits everyone.⁷

A second, narrower disagreement concerns images. Some professionals don't want to take away a child's idea that Granny has become a star, while rejecting “she fell asleep”. Others prefer factual language without any extra image. Everyone agrees on avoiding euphemisms; the question is whether an image can go along with the clear sentence.

When a book isn't enough

Changes in behaviour or physical complaints, like headaches or tummy aches, that last for weeks are a signal. So is grief that stays very intense for many months and stops your child from taking part in life again.

Your GP or paediatrician is the first contact. Finding specialist support for a grieving child isn't always easy, and that isn't your fault. In Ireland, Barnardos runs a bereavement helpline on 01 4732110,¹⁰ and the Irish Childhood Bereavement Network has information for families. In the UK, Cruse Bereavement Support has guidance on talking to a child about the death of a grandparent. In the US, the Child Mind Institute has a guide to helping children cope with grief.

The story

How a story can help

Carol Berns describes bibliotherapy as using books about death to help grieving children place their loss. Identifying with a character helps them understand and eases the feeling of being alone, and a book can be read as often as you like.⁹

What's missing must be said too: we found no figures from controlled studies, and no study on children's books about the death of grandparents. So we stay cautious.

For the story, one rule:

In the story, nobody has to do anything. Not go to the funeral, not look at the coffin, not cry. Every gesture is an offer, and saying no is a possibility that's shown, and valid.

1-2
As it was
The child and their grandmother or grandfather, in a very concrete habit.
3
Ill
What happened before. No sugar-coating, no drama.
4
Dead
The word is said, by a grown-up who doesn't leave after saying it.
5
The body stops
Explained concretely: it doesn't breathe, doesn't feel anything, won't wake up.
6
What will happen
The place, what happens, how long. The three points, told beforehand.
7
You can come
A real offer. And the sentence that says no is right too.
8
Someone goes out with you
The fixed person, who comes at any moment if it's too much.
9
Giving something
A drawing, a flower, a stone. Being able to do something.
10
The grown-ups cry
And say why. So it doesn't seem unexplained, and worrying.
11
And then there's playing
Grief comes in waves. Laughing in between isn't a betrayal.
12
The question about the parents
Will you die too? The answer is given, calm and honest.
13
A place to go
A grave, a photo, a drawer. Something that stays.
14
The end
The person stays dead, and stays important. Remembering is what we can do.

The goodbye story, with your child's name

Describe your child in a few words, and the story follows exactly this path, in the illustration style you choose. You read all of it for free before you decide.

Read the story for free

Questions

Frequently asked questions

Should my child go to the funeral?

There's no general answer. Silverman and Worden found that children mostly describe taking part, looking back, as a help. Fristad and Cerel found that it all depends on preparation and the child. Both call for an informed choice rather than a rule.

Is it true that a child under four or five shouldn't go?

You read this rule, but we found no source for it: no name, no institution, no study. What matters is that your child is prepared and can really choose.

Can my child see the person who died?

If your child wants to, yes, never forced. Your child should know beforehand what they'll see, and someone should be able to go out with them at any moment.

My child is playing an hour after the news. Is that normal?

Yes. Children grieve in waves and switch suddenly from tears to play. That's what a child's grief looks like.

Can I say Granny has become a star?

Professionals disagree on this. Some don't want to take that image away from a child, others prefer factual language with no extra image. They all agree on one point: “she fell asleep” is best avoided.

When should we ask for help?

When changes in behaviour or physical complaints last for weeks, or when grief stays very intense for many months. Your GP or paediatrician is the first contact; in Ireland, Barnardos runs a bereavement helpline on 01 4732110.

References

Sources

1.Nagy, M. (1948): The Child's Theories Concerning Death. Journal of Genetic Psychology.What it confirms: Three stages in children's understanding of death, in nearly 400 children aged three to ten.
2.Speece, M. W. and Brent, S. B. (1984): Children's Understanding of Death. Child Development 55(5).What it confirms: The four ideas; the first three grasped between five and seven, full understanding usually at around ten.
3.Cruse Bereavement Support: Speaking to a child about the death of a grandparent.What it confirms: The death of a grandparent is, for many children, their first experience of death.
4.American Academy of Pediatrics (2024): Clinical Report, Supporting the Grieving Child and Family. Pediatrics 154(1).What it confirms: Real words from the age of two or three, no image of sleep; explain in three points: the place, what the child will see, what they can do if overwhelmed.
5.Silverman, P. and Worden, J. W. (1992): Omega, Journal of Death and Dying 25(4). Harvard Child Bereavement Study.What it confirms: 125 children aged six to seventeen; 95% attended the funeral and found it important two years later.
6.Fristad, M., Cerel, J. et al. (2001): Omega, Journal of Death and Dying 42(4).What it confirms: 318 children aged five to seventeen followed over 25 months; unusual behaviour during the ritual predicted more difficulties in the following two years.
7.Child Mind Institute: Helping Children Deal With Grief.What it confirms: No right or wrong answer for everyone about attending; one fixed person to accompany the child; no forced gestures.
8.Furman, E. (1974): A Child's Parent Dies. Yale University Press.What it confirms: Children must be told the realities of death, because silence gets in the way of grieving.
9.Berns, C. F. (2004): Bibliotherapy, Using Books to Help Bereaved Children. Omega 48(4).What it confirms: Identifying with a character helps make sense and eases the feeling of being alone; books can be reread.
10.Barnardos Ireland: Helping children understand death (PDF).What it confirms: Barnardos' guidance for families after a death, and its bereavement helpline on 01 4732110.

Sources accessed on 26 September 2026. Is something missing or out of date? Write to us and we'll correct it, with the date.

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